Without Me
by gallatica7
Summary: Goku ventures away for Sanzo in a quest of self-discovery. Yet what happens when he Returns? [GokuSanzo]


Re-posted!! Sorry for the inconvenience!

I don't own Saiyuki, or any of its characters. This fic contains Goku/Sanzo (and some Sanzo/Goku) shounen-ai.

_"I'm leaving"._

And just like that, Son Goku walked out of Genjo Sanzo's life, without even a glance back towards the man that he claimed as his one and only sun.

Without saying goodbye.

Without a trace.

Sanzo closed his eyes, savouring the nicotine as it entered his body. Exhaling, he watched with eyes half closed at the tobacco smoke as it floated out of the window, disappearing into the night.

It was a warm night, the temperature a few degrees higher than usual, the sky clear, the moon bright. It was nights like these when Sanzo liked to sit by his window, and drown himself of the unholy luxuries that the temple forbid. Cigarettes, for instance. There was nothing like a good smoke on a night when you don't have to worry about catching a cold.

Yet it was on a night like this when the most precious thing in his life abandoned him, making him twice the cold bastard that he already was.

Three years.

Perhaps more.

To think, he could no longer stand the sight of gold. Sure, he _had _to develop a tolerance for it; the temple had more that one statue of bodhisattvas that were made entirely out of gold. _Priceless._

Just like Son Goku.

He had never seen it coming. He had never thought that his beautiful, golden-eyed lover would ever leave him. _Ever._

But it happened. Right after they had destroyed the still sealed body of Gyumaoh, together with the entire laboratory. Including Lilin, incubated and sealed in a large glass tank.

Sacrifice.

That was all she meant to Gyokoumen Koushu. Nothing more, nothing less. Poor Kougaiji. He had lost everything. His father, his sister, his companions. His mother. That was probably the worst blow.

Sanzo traced the windowsill with his long, slender fingers. And he, he had lost Goku.

He dug his nails into the hard wood, not caring about the blood that stained it. He still had dreams, strange dreams that he couldn't fully remember. Each time he tried to recall them, they slipped through his mind like water would slip through one's fingers.

But he did remember the Seiten Taisei. Oh yes, _that_ image was vivid enough for him to reflect about for the entire day.

The cigarette had burnt out, and Sanzo casually threw what was left of it out of his window. The young apprentice monks would sweep his compound the next day. No worries.

Sanzo let out a derisive snort as he lowered himself onto his bed, its cotton sheets cool against his skin.

_No worries?_ If only.

_Should I?_

_Could I?_

There were too many _what ifs_.

What if he was mad at me? What if he refused to take me back in? What if he had forgotten me?

What if he didn't love me anymore?

I squeezed my eyes shut, my nails digging into my skin. At least they were no longer sharp claws. Self-control enabled that.

Self-control enabled many things.

Self-control taught me to understand the Soul of the Earth, self-control brought me closer to my origins better than anything or anyone could _ever_ have.

Self-control let me live without my limiter.

Self-control let me grasp the pieces of my past.

And self-control brought me back here.

A cool breeze lifted and toyed with my long hair, it was such a warm night that I welcomed it, enjoying the scents that it brought with it, the scent of blossoms and incense and…..tobacco.

Sanzo's brand.

I still recognized it, that particular brand that always clung onto Sanzo. The intoxicating, musky scent that I too smelled of after a night with him. Sanzo's scent. A scent that I would always love.

About three years ago, I suddenly realized that I was not whole. I would never be, unless I did something about it. And so I did. I walked out of my sun's life.

But I did not completely leave him. No, of course not. I don't think I could ever handle doing that.

I needed to make myself whole again, just like how I was when I was born, or as some might say, created. So I set out on a quest of my own.

No, I did not tell my sun where I was going. We had just had another fight, and I was feeling really, really bad that I couldn't muster the energy for lengthy explanations. Plus goodbyes were never my thing.

What were we fighting about, you may ask?

I don't even remember now.

So to cut the long story short, I told him I was leaving, and I set out for a journey of my own. What was I searching for? I don't think you would believe me if I told you that even I myself did not know. I just followed my heart.

Perhaps it was because I'm an earth spirit. Or maybe I was just damned lucky. But on one rainy night, I stumbled on what I was searching for.

Beings like me.

Of course, at that time I didn't know that they were like me. The power radiating from them knocked me out of my senses. I had thought that I was going insane.

The recognized me for whom I was almost immediately. Of course, they had all heard about me. Son Goku, heretic that was supposedly a gift for the gods. Brought up to Tenkai, caused havoc, sealed.

The same heretic that helped destroy Gyumaoh, the same heretic that was respected and feared at the same time throughout Togenkyo.

Son Goku. Yep, that's me.

These beings, these youkai, they taught me that there was more to life than just being _limited_. They taught me how to live without my limiter. That heavy piece of gold that was supposedly a gift from the gods. The one that limited my full earthly powers.

I was stronger than the lot of them. But still, they took the risk. They trained me. Slowly, little by little. One step at a time.

Then there were times when it got so hard and frustrating that I just wanted to give up and weep or something. I missed Sanzo so much. I missed his intense violet orbs, his way of holding me, his secret, precious smiles, and his golden locks of hair that never failed to remind me of the sun.

_My sun._

Yet they were always patient with me. Little one, they called me. They joked that I was the earth's favourite child.

I don't know. Perhaps I was. Perhaps I wasn't.

I discovered many new things during my stay with them. Like how to speak the language of the Soul, a language that few understood. It was language without words; it only spoke with emotions.

That was probably how Sanzo heard my voice calling out to him.

So after almost three years, I could finally walk and talk, and breathe safely without worrying about going berserk and destroying everything. They told me it was pent up emotions that made me lose my sense of mind. That what happened in Tenkai somehow shook my soul, and every time when lost my cool my limiter could not take it, and it usually snapped. Then I would retreat to a corner of my mind and hide there until the diadem was restored.

In other words, I was just running away from myself.

I hated that.

They had a good time destroying that wretched piece of gold.

But with joy comes sorrow, and with my newfound freedom came my old memories. I never mentioned it to them. And they never asked.

But I still required a limiter, just for physical appearances. Thanks to the Minus Wave, youkai were still in danger of roaming freely in certain parts of Tougenkyo. The new, smaller limiter would not dampen my powers or my qi, it just made me look more human, until the fear of youkais died down.

They offered me one, a small ring with a topaz embedded in the middle. It was beautiful, but I declined. I wanted Sanzo to be the one to give me my limiter. Still, they insisted that I keep the ring, and I still do, safely on a chain that I wear around my neck all the time.

It was time to go. They offered me a place with them, a place that I could call home, with my true family. But I told them the only place that I would be truly happy was with my sun. They understood, and after bidding me farewell I set out on my journey home. I would return to my sun.

I would never forget them.

Perhaps I would visit them again someday, and maybe Sanzo would come along with me.

But first I had another problem to tackle.

I stepped by the window carefully and quietly, my worn boots expertly dodging the dried leaves that were scattered here and there. It's been so long since I've last been here. I peeked into the room, my heart hammering against my ribcage as if there were no tomorrow.

Well, there _would_ be no tomorrow for me if this failed.

My heightened sense of hearing picked up soft breathing. So, he was asleep. Somehow that relieved me, because it meant that if I were to be rejected, at least I would have been able to have a last look at his ethereal face.

Ethereal.

Yes, that described Sanzo perfectly. One so delicate and light, seeming too perfect for this world.

_Too perfect for me._

Silently, like a skilled feline I landed beside the bed. I did not dare pounce on the bed itself, I would surely wake him.

_Oh gods_…he was so beautiful.

His face…so peaceful and serene…it was all I could do from just rushing to him and kissing him for all I was worth.

I slipped off my boots, and undid my cape. What now?

Golden orbs glinted in the moonlight as I ran my fingers though dark strands of chocolate. A small, loving smile was produced, meant only for me.

I traced the curve of his jaw with my lips, stopping now and then to suckle at soft, smooth skin. He brought his hands up to my face, cupping my cheeks carefully, pulling away from my gentle teasing.

He was impatient.

He wanted more.

I did not like to decline him. Hungrily I pressed my mouth against his soft, perfect lips, slipping my tongue into the warm cavern that was so inviting, so needed. His luminous orbs fluttered close as he poured his never-dying love into our kiss. His strong arms encircled my waist, pulling me closer.

He did not like to be apart from me.

He **hated** being away from me.

And yet…

Slowly I opened my eyes from my yearning dream, blinking in the bright moonlight that was seeping in through the window. A cool breeze entered the room, and the hairs on the back of my neck rose. My senses prickled.

…._Gods_……

"The stench of youki is _suffocating._"

Goku's gaze was unwavering, his cat-like eyes boring into my own. I shifted, so that I was resting on my elbows. Something flashed in his predatory eyes. "Hello to you too", he said dryly.

I lifted an eyebrow. Ahh… What do we have here?

"I believe your room is down the hall?"

"I don't want to go to my room."

"I didn't tell you too."

Silence. And then-

"Did you miss me?"

Whoa. One moment he was beside me, arms around my waist, and then before I knew it, he was on top of me, his seductive voice right in my sensitive ear.

"No". I lied through my teeth. Damn, it was getting hard to breathe.

"I missed _you_…" His tongue was darting in and out of my ear, occasionally licking its side and _oh gods_…

My eyes were probably glazed by now, as his hand continued to mercilessly torture the throbbing flesh between my legs. Determinedly I clamped my mouth shut as I threw back my head. My elbows gave away, an excuse for me to thread my shaking fingers in his long, soft chocolate hair as I fell on my back, with him pinning me to the bed.

And it then stopped just as suddenly as it began.

He pushed himself off me, and proceeded to sit cross-legged on my bed. Swallowing my frustration, I too moved into a sitting position, leaning against the wall as another warm breeze blew in through the open window, playing with his long bangs.

"So how've you been?"

The conversational tone that he used was very, _very_ irksome.

Fine, two can play at that game. I casually lighted a cigarette, desperately trying to stop my hands from shaking. _Stupid, idiotic, fucking saru!_

"Time's a great healer", I said, my without taking my eyes off his. _Golden…he's priceless…_

"I see."

He swallowed. I wonder is he's fangs were like those of a common youkai, or were they special…just like him.

He finally averted his eyes from mine, choosing to stare at his hands instead. He was hesitating. What did he want to tell me?

I mentally snorted. There were probably a million and one things that he wanted me to hear, wanted to share.

And it was kind of frightening that I myself wanted to hear him out. I finally decided to drop this whole disgusting game. Moving closer to him I gently cupped his chin so that he's golden orbs were once again locked into mine. "What is it, love? Tell me."

I was almost knocked down as he flung his arms around me, his dark chocolate head buried in the crook of my neck, his intoxicating scent somehow soothing my frayed nerves.

"Sanzo…I…I…" he's voice cracked, and crystalline tears started to fall from his beautiful eyes, wetting my top. I stroked his back in a sort of encouraging way, silently urging him to go on.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. For everything."

I never thought that the day would come when Goku, in his true form would beg forgiveness from me. Hell, just to see him shed tears was disturbing enough. Then again, this was still Goku.

_My Goku._

"What are you apologizing for, saru?" I tried to make myself sound as nonchalant as possible. There was no need for him know that I was worrying myself to death. "And don't give me that 'everything_'_ crap."

He pulled back from me, tears silently streaming down his perfect cheekbones. "You know what I'm talking about."

Of course I knew. Him running off just like that, without any trace for three whole fucking years, and then lo and behold! Here he was, Seiten Taisei Son Goku, right before my very eyes.

Right on my bed, totally mine.

Or was it the other way around?

If I couldn't tell him how I felt about him, then perhaps I could _show_ him. Grasping his wrists, I pulled him on top of me before lowering the both of us onto the bed, our previous position.

"They…they offered me a limiter, but I told them that I would prefer it if it was _you_ that gave one to me…"

Ah, yes. I would give him one. Later.

After all, I _was_ kind of curious…

He seemed to have read my mind, and he grinned somewhat slyly, his tears forgotten. He pressed his lips against mine, hungrily ravishing them as his hands wasted no time in undoing my jeans.

Three whole fucking years of celibacy made one's sex drive very, very hungry indeed…

I couldn't stop smiling. Heck, I didn't _want_ to stop smiling. I just felt so…so…_satisfied_. As if I was finally whole again. I reached up to finger my brand new limiter, a small stud that Sanzo had clamped down at the side of my ear.

After that Sanzo just couldn't leave it alone, and now my ear was throbbing from all his little playful nips. My smile grew impossibly wider. It was beautiful, a silver piece with an amethyst embedded in the middle. And if you _really_ strained your eyes, you could see the ancient words carved on it. I liked to think that this gift of his, it was wrapped with his love. Clichéd?

So sue me.

It was the first time that he let me take the reins. And I definitely enjoyed every second of it. _Oh gods_…I never knew that I could feel that way…

His arm is now tightly around my waist, his face buried in my neck. One of his slender legs was casually draped across my body, trapping me in a possessive embrace.

It was not like I would go anywhere.

Not anymore.

I traced his bare back with my fingers, marveling at the smoothness of his milky white skin. It would be dawn in a few hours time, and I wanted to savour every possible second that I had with him.

Wait. What would the monks say when they see me?

Would I have to endure more hurtful name-calling? All those spiteful words and glares, some even from jealously.

And to think they're Buddhist _monks_.

Perhaps I would venture out to the busy town, get myself a job. Maybe do some business or something. It's not that I don't trust Sanzo's income, it's just that I would probably die of boredom being cooped up in this temple that was so silent, so….empty

Sanzo stirred, and an eyelid slowly opened. His mouth lifted up into a small, precious half-smile as he planted a soft kiss upon my forehead. I felt my heart flutter, not for the first time that night.

And to think, Sanzo had always been very vocal in his hatred for youkai, killing them seemed sort of a favourite pastime for him. And yet, here he was, in bed with one. Of course, they were certain exceptions; for I was more…how does one put it…_different _than a common youkai, but still…

"Why don't you just shut the fuck up and let me have some peace?" Sanzo's baritone voice pierced through my thoughts. Startled, I glanced at him. His face was scrunched up in annoyance, as his eyes narrowed threateningly.

I let out a small chuckle. Of course, then there was that special bond that we both shared…he could always hear me…my thoughts, my innermost desires…it was always amusing to see him blush when I emit a strong force of my …_needs_ towards him.

_"That's it._ I've had enough of your whining to last me an entire year."

What? I didn't even say anythi-

Uh oh. Sanzo has that dangerous glint in his eyes…and that only meant one thing…

…I hope he still has some lubricant left…

A/N:

Hye! You've made it this far! gives chocolates Please leave a comment, hearing from you means a lot for me! )

takes a deep breath and stashes Fred the Fire-extinguisher away


End file.
